Day Two.  Wow, I'm really not going to smoke any cigs today. 
It helps that my throat hurts.  I do have my fake ciggie that I can take a "puff" of if I really need to.

Feels like C and I need to have a big heart to heart but neither of us has the heart to.  Or is it all in my head as usual?  He's drinking again.. alone
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One half serving Golden Grahams cereal.  Made homemade version of hamburger helper.  Can't wait to eat it at lunch time. 

Is it all because of me?  I think that, and then I'm like, Duh, Kate, he's not drinking himself to death because you're fat.  Or is he?  No, I'm the one that's unhappy.. and it's mostly with myself.

I know we have fun... I know he's protective of me... I know he'd be destroyed if I was with someone else. 

Guess he is as angry.. maybe even more angry than me.  He said I'm not the first to have a bad day, or quit smoking, or do a lot of things, and I won't be the last. 

Often when this happens, I end up feeling badly that I don't coddle or spoil or love on him the way I wish he would on me... like, maybe it's all in my head that I'm the better partner?!

I'm really sick of him saying that I don't let him talk.  That's probably the most annoying thing ever, especially after hearing it for YEARS.  I think it's a copout. 

Is it sad that my ultimate idea of happiness right now is simultaneously eating a big bowl of macaroni and cheese in a room by myself, AND being skinny enough to rock a bikini and feel amazing in St. Martin in June?  Like, the two cannot mutually exist.   Dammit.