So admittedly losing my job and the subsequent events completely threw me off my daily food tracking and "diet." But I am still determined to make major changes before June 1 which is our Carribbean vacation.
Chris got us the Hip Hop Dance Experience Xbox Kinect game, and it's a real workout! I did a straight hour today and it felt really, really good. I can't even tell you the last time I did an straight hour of cardio. It's really fun and challenging, and I find myself concentrating more on getting the moves right than my breathing or how I'm feeling. If I were on the elliptical, I would be exhausted and gasping for breath after ten minutes.
I have this picture of a "me" in my mind - the type of girl that is always up for the next adventure, who pushes her body to the limit and is proud of all it can do, who can challenge my boyfriend to things and actually win. Running through the fall leaves, jumping up to catch a frisbee, jogging on the beach. A girl who is NOT constantly insecure and uncomfortable in her clothes. That girl lives inside me somewhere, and I'm determined to marry that person with the one that spends most days sitting on the couch.
It's funny, because in my mind, I'm all, my body is a temple, or at the very least a really nice house. Put things into it for nourishment. Life is short, I don't want to spend it short of breath. I don't want to go into cardiac arrest in my 30's. But you would never know it from my actions, which are all, I'm going to order an extra side of macaroni and cheese, I deserve it, that traffic over here to Boston Market was really stressful.
And the shame/guilt spiral.. ugh. I have that down to an art. Somehow I happily convince myself that a large feast of fatty cheese with a side of grease is totally worthsies, but by the last bite I'm already hating myself. I literally eat until I feel sick. Every day.
I called a food therapist once. I told her my relationship is great, my family is fantastic, my job was perfect, but then I told her all of the above. And she was like, well SOMEthing must be making you do this to yourself. I believe in therapy that is what they call the breakthrough (SATC quote alert).
I'm not at a place right now where I can explore those reasons. No, like literally, I don't have health insurance so I can't afford it. But I would be really really happy and proud, to just do something different every day. Yes, I'm going to have a cheeseburger every now and then. But I just want to be conscious of my goals and choices and make the right ones, and a tiny bit more active, and do these things a little bit more than I did the day before, each day.
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