Struggling.

At different times in my life in the last ten years, I have been without heat in my house.  I have been without lights.  I have been without air conditioning.  I have gone without cable, internet and phone.  I have counted change to buy food.  I have pawned sentimental personal belongings, like my high school class ring, to pay bills or to get gas money to get to work.  I have had bill collectors calling from morning to night, and coming to my door.  I have had to decide who to pay.  I have had to ask my long-suffering, hard-working family for money more times than I'd like to admit. 

I've felt shame.  That hot, sick, desperate feeling that not many people will know the true meaning of in their lifetime.  I am there again.. not because of poor management, because of too few hours and too many bills.  I am thankful for the help from C and my parents, but it's never enough to cover everything I owe.  I have had to take out loans to cover school and living expenses, and I will have those funds soon, and I'm praying I manage them well. 

I've said it so many times before, but my main goal in life is not to struggle. Sometimes I envy people I see grocery shopping who don't seem to be calculating the cost of each item in their carts.  I see mothers in their cute SUVs with Coach bags and well-dressed families and I think, Lucky Bitch.  I fantasize about meeting a doctor or something, someone whose income would ensure I would never have to worry about whether both the electric and water will get paid this month. 

C is making great money with his bonuses now.  I appreciate more than words express how much he's stepped in to help out.  But I can't shake the feeling that it feels much better to be able to pay everything on my own, for myself.  I don't ever want to rely on someone else to make sure my basic needs are met.  C made reference to me being a stay at home mom in the future, and I felt panic rising.. I would love to BE ABLE to do that, but I never would.  I would still have some sort of side business.  I don't ever want to feel like I have to ask before I purchase something - though I do appreciate the consideration on each person's part of doing so.. I also never want to hide my money type things .. the way C's parents do - each extreme is dysfunctional.. I just wonder if we'll ever find the perfect happy middle ground.  

C making more money is great, but he's still basically paycheck to paycheck.  He has no concept of saving toward something which worries me.  He has said he plans to start saving for our vacation in June, but we'll see.

I am not doing great.  I feel like good things are around the corner.  I am excited to start school because I know I'll feel good about doing well.  But right now, my life sucks.  I'm dealing with no cell phone, no food, unhealthy eating, sitting on the couch all day, watching WAY too much TV.  I know lots of people would love to have so much downtime, but it's driving me a bit crazy.  I'm definitely the worst version of myself right now.